I was raised to be unable to disobey my mother. I was raised to be meek, to be quiet, to not disrespect nor show my true feelings to ‘outsiders.’ Most people who do not know me would call me sheltered…overprotected. What people did not see or even try to see… was my broken mind and scarred memories. I was not allowed to speak my mind if it opposed my mother’s thoughts. I used to be slapped or beat for such ‘disrespect.’ I was yelled at for asking questions, I was asked by my own mother at the age of eight if I ate dog feces instead of rice since I was so stupid. And I was expected never to look at her or say anything to her verbal assaults because she had a stressful day and I existed to be her punching bag or screaming pillow. I existed not to be myself, I don’t even know what that was. Looking back on my life my emotions only range from feeling wronged, anger and sadness…where did my childhood go? When did it go wrong? How did she get so scary? Why didn’t I say something or left sooner? WHY?
But I have long stopped wondering anymore because the moment I left for college…finally had time to think for myself I found my answers and they left me empty. Why? Because knowing those answers changed nothing. I was still under her control, I still could not speak up and I no longer knew what I was doing anymore. I have to give her credit, she is magnificent in her molding and in her manipulation of her children. There are times when I wonder if I am just one of those children acting out and being ungrateful to the woman who raised me…but I am grown and I have learned. That I was a victim and she was wrong and she still does not know it.
To those of you who have read this I will post an update soon on how and why I have changed and how I have dealt and have been dealing with her…and the pain I will soon go through because what I will soon choose to do when I graduate college would mean more than just rebelling against an unjust mother.
gumivo 